bb9dish interview continued...
Carolyn: Having auditioned 3 times prior to being cast, at least part of the formula seems to be perseverance. Are there any other tips you can impart to those auditioning for BB10?
Dick: It was twice prior, Season 5 & 6. It was 3 years because of All Stars season 7.
Carolyn: Ooh.. ok.
Dick: I was asked this nonstop during the audition process for Season 9. I tell everyone: it took me 3 f*cking years to get on. You should ask Zach or Mike, because it only took them like a month.
My Advice (for auditioning):
Don't hold back. Be yourself, don't fake, lie or try to bullsh-t or be someone you are not. Have things to talk about. I don't have the problem of not ever having sh-t to talk about, but a lot of people do. Think of some funny stories of sh-t in your life, and you might have an opening to tell it.
I was who I am. I didn't talk to them like they were my bosses or held the key to me getting on or not. I spoke with them all like I would by buddies. Even when the execs were asking me sh-t. I would tell smelly pussy stories. I walked into an elevator with Allison and Robyn, when I was in sequester in the finals, I think in season 5, and as soon as the elevator doors closed, I ripped huge fart and started laughing. They knew me like my friends know me.
Carolyn: (lmao imagining the scene in the elevator) Dick, After the season was over, both Zach & Jen posted pics & videos on their myspace pages suggesting supposed "proof" that you cheated during the final comp. It felt pretty sour grapes from this angle. Care to comment at all on the allegations?
Dick: Why yes, I would like to comment....
First off, look at which two you are talking about. Samurai Sword Brain and the (uni) Tard (hey, Julie called her the tard, I just want to make sure everyone understands that Julie called her a tard.) They are about as quick as a constipated old woman crossing the street in a walker with a club foot. I mean, Howie brags how he can use the Jedi mind trick on them both without fail, and we all know that Howie isn't exactly the sharpest knife in the drawer.
Jen was the one who would win comps on a cheat, not me.
Zach should be more involved in the church, since he had Jameka to thank for bringing him back to having a very special relationship with God. I think he confuses that "special" relationship with God, to the one he had while he was an altar boy and that "special" relationship he had with the priest.
Carolyn: Oh my.
Dick: What was said was that I only really answered the first question, then being one ahead, just copied Zach's answers the rest of the time. How could I copy Zach? Well, it was almost like the magic bullet in the JFK assassination.
They said I would look into a 1" x 1" mirror square that was about 20 feet away, and I could see what he answered.
First off, copying anything that Zach did would have been like copying from the kid next to you in algebra, but the kid next to you always wore a helmet, had a big piss stain in the front of his pants and could never remember to zip up.
Secondly, if you watched the feeds, you would have seen me wearing glasses at the end to read some instructions on some of the goofball things they gave us for entertainment.
Third, there were so many conspiracy theories this season. The message board people are too funny and really need to get some hobbies.
According to them, it was also me who put the blue ball in Jameka's tube, disqualifying her from the PoV. Yet, it was me, not Jameka that demanded to speak to one of the Executive Producer's about how the f*ck that got in there.
I thought it was Zach, to be honest, but I didn't see anything. They saw me pick up my barbed wire necklace and said I stuck the blue ball in my pocket. It was my chain, you dumbasses.
To be honest, I was really upset with myself for missing a couple of those questions, especially the Jen question. I did that a few times in there though. When something seemed too obvious, you start questioning and talking yourself out of the obvious one. I should have gotten the Jessica question as well. The answers to both questions were "ME!" Jen felt she was the best competitor, and Jess respected her game over Eric's.
But I am so happy it ended up the way it did. If I had beaten Zach by 3 questions, it wouldn't haunt him as it will losing half a million dollars by one question.
So, whenever he thinks of last summer, he has to think, 1 question = Zach $500,000, and more than enough money for him to invest in his inventions... Like the giant toothbrush he invented so people with gigantic teeth that look like broken piano keys in their mouths, can brush more conveniently. Maybe he would have even invented a way to keep the unitard from disappearing into Jen's vagina when she wears it with no underwear around the kids she nanny's. I am tellin' ya, if that was camel toe, the camel must have belonged to Paul Bunyon.
No, I never thought to copy Zach. I am not like that. I would never copy someone that is that socially inept when the questions were about knowing the people in our little society... Seriously, give me a f*cking break.
But I was being totally honest when I said I am glad he can think about losing the show, the money, all of it... by one question.
Which brings up another point about the majority of the people that were in the cast. They would have preferred to give the money to that walking dildo with ears, who's biggest move in the game was running naked in the backyard and showing the world he has a cock the size of a thimble.
Daniele and I had to actually play the game. Our strategy wasn't as brilliant as Zach's strategy of having his lips surgically attached to the reining HoH's ass while he is promising them to vote how they want him to, all the while massaging their balls the entire time.
Can ANYONE tell me what Jen's strategy was, please? The only reason she was on the show as much as she was, was because of me ripping her apart. She should be kissing my ass and thanking me. If it weren't for the fights we had, her big claim to fame on the show would be what? Crying over her picture showing all of the world how vein and self centered she is? Maybe it would be showing off every crevice and fold of her vagina, between the unitard with no underwear and sitting legs spread showing the Showtime audience that she actually did keep the kids bicycles in there and not the garage at Vanna's house.
Carolyn: There's a pretty fierce anti-Dick sentiment in some circles, and the stated basis for it is your antics - rants, ice-tea, etc - while in the house. I always saw it as game play, and I'm curious to know if you consulted the folks in the DR or the rule book everyone's so fond of before you'd pull a new stunt... to make sure you were within the acceptable rules of the game?
Dick: I talked to them in the diary room sometimes, asked to speak with the EP (executive producer). Remember too... I have run clubs for years and dealing with drunken a--holes was not much different in a lot of respects. No matter how I feel about the f-ckstick I am tossing out of the bar, or how in my face he got... I knew I would end up writing an incident report about it later, maybe even end up in court. So, I never lost my cool. I was always all about pushing them as far as I could. Hell, if Jameka or Dustin would have hit me.... who cares? One less to have to evict.
Carolyn: Masterminding Dustin out of the house has to be the best play ever made in the game - and the sweetest moment of the season for me - he made me ill. Sitting there next to Dustin in the hot seat, how confident (or nervous) were you?
Dick: You can never be completely confident when you are on the block. We have all seen this game, and Dustin actually experienced that drop in your stomach when your worst fear smacks you in the back of the head like a baseball bat.
I was pretty solid with Eric's vote, but remember...
Pre-meltdown Jen had to vote to evict Dustin as well. So, I would say about 80-85% sure.
The funniest thing to me that day was they announced to the house on eviction day, that the house would be getting Chinese food for dinner that night....
And from the bathroom, you hear Dustin screech out...
"I LOVE CHINESE!!!"
Under my breath I was laughing my balls off.
I only wish that Dustin would have given that speech he told the rest of them he was going to say when he got his last plea to stay in the house... Something like he was doing the house a favor, that by volunteering to go up against me, he would be doing the house a courtesy flush getting rid of me. I really wish he had done that, then again.... would it have added to the most classic footage of the literal jaw dropping eviction in the shows history?
Carolyn: What's your favorite moment of the season?
Dick: Favorite moment? There are a few...
* Evicting Zach and winning, dubbing it "The Season of the Donatos."
* Jen's meltdown...
* Winning the Shot for Shot Veto Competition on the very last croquet shot. I needed a 4 to tie, and to hit the pole for a 5 to win, and out of the 9 previous shots, I only hit it once.... I nailed it and won the PoV that changed the game. I couldn't let Daniele down. I had to do it, and for once, I didn't choke. Oh My goodness!! I just farted!!....
* My relationship with Dani, but that wasn't a moment... it was the entire time.
Carolyn: Most shocking?
Dick: After the show, finding out I was the most popular houseguest and not the most hated. (sorry Amber)
Carolyn: And your least favorite moment?
Dick: Watching the entire house of stupidity turn against both Dani and I. When we were being honest, outing Eric, laying all the sh*t out for them and they f*ck us and think it was such a smart, clever thing to do.... idiots.
If you noticed on the show, for the most part they didn't say jack sh*t until Jessica won the HoH that week. Little did they know that was the start of my most favorite of all the weeks I spent in the house: Hell Week.
Carolyn: What are your winning tips for the new houseguests who are about to go into sequester in a couple days?
Dick: Stop saying that if we had been in the same season, we would have been allies, buddies, BFF's. I was told that every houseguest going on the show said that as the answer to the "How would you have dealt with Evel Dick," question.
And what is lame... So many people said they would use my strategy this season. But if you watched the feeds you know that I put hours and hours into my strategies week by week. Talking it out on the Dick at Nite Show, to the candy bars Dani and I used during hell week when we figured out a way to get Eric out the following week if I was voted out that week.
People that say or even think that the entirety of my strategy was to call people out and f*ck with their heads, are way over simplifying things. One jack off reporter from the San Diego Union Tribune said my strategy was to just yell and berate everyone in the house.
It was a bit more complex than that....
Targeting the right people at the right time. Setting people up - like when I told Amber that Eric was holding her big secret for the right time to use on her... Well, I was doing the same with his statement. So, even though it wasn't me going off on Eric, it was because of me.
Breaking up alliance after alliance, breaking up the pairs. Leaving people out on an island with nobody to help them.
Both Eric and Zach have stated that if it wasn't a fast forward week that Daniele would be gone, that they would have made a deal.
Listen sh*theads.... Had that week not been a fast forward, I would have looked at every single scenario, would have seen that was a possibility, and would have put Eric and Zach against each other on the block. If you remember, I basically owned Jameka at that point, and if she would have broken her word with me after promising on the cross of Jesus....
Also, Zach and Eric hated each other. They never spoke and even after the fact Zach, the master(bating)strategist, kept saying that if only Eric wasn't such a weasel, and how he couldn't trust him, how he would miss munching Jess' panties since she left....blah, blah, blah.
Carolyn: Assuming there will be a BB All-Stars 2, would you do it all again?
Dick: You are assuming a lot. Who knows? It took 7 years for the first one, and you know as well as I do, there were quite a few people on All-Stars that had no business being an all-star. I mean ....seriously.
So many were fan favorites, but they had no business on that show. I mean, don't get me wrong, and I have said this to him personally.... but how in the f*ck does Kaysar, who was voted out 3 times in 2 seasons get on, and Lisa, who won her season, doesn't get on? Lame.
But as with everything in life, it all comes down to money, and ratings = money. Kaysar has a huge fan base. Well he is awful cute.
Carolyn: Yes, he is.
Dick: If anyone sees Lisa from Season 3, tell her I want to take her to a nice dinner and tell her how vocal I was about her getting screwed on all stars. Plus, she is a hot piece of ass.
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